Today was a difficult day. I woke up earlier than usual, as Walt got ready to go to church. I laid in bed for a while contemplating the decision I had made in the middle of last week and how I was going to word this letter the teacher and friend that I have been helping for 3 or 4 years to let her know that, for now, this would be by last day helping her with the Sunday School class. I started it off okay but as I got more personal and apologetic, I suppose conviction and guilt really set in and the tears started to flow. It eventually became weeping.
I didn't wholly want to give up that role, but I know it is the right decision. I am not where I need to be spritually, to the point of not even wanting to get up and go to church. That lone decision affects me as a Christian, Pastor's wife, wife, mom, friend, coworker and overall person. I have been negligent in my role of helping almost since day one and am very disappointed in myself for not holding to the commitment I made. I am at the point where I'm not being filled (of my own doing) so I don't have anything to pour out. The only things that poured out today were tears of remorse and sadness, and a lot of them. I cried the whole class, more or less, even breaking down a few times. I even wept in my vehicle before driving home. Tears roll as I journal this day.
She is a very gracious woman who condemned me not and wanted assurance that I would stop by from time to time and not be a stranger. I am blessed to receive the grace that I did today from my friend and even more blessed the grace that I receive from my Savior, no matter what my failures, time and time again.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Monday, December 5, 2011
Spiritually Struggling
I am a born-again Christian. I go to church. I have faith. Yet I struggle with being right with the Lord and giving him some of my time. I am a Christian but I don't always act like it. I do go to church but not nearly as often as I should. I do have faith but it's lacking. Having a relationship with Christ, I need to be in church, worshiping my Savior and being fed with His Word; I should want to go, not struggle every Sunday to get up and go. There was a time in my life when I couldn't wait for the next Sunday or Wednesday to go to church. I want to get back there. But life gets in the way because I don't prioritize my time. I should be in my Bible everyday, soaking up His Word, thirsting after it. We should be having devotions as a married couple. Our marriage is founded on Christ but right now it's off-centered by not putting Him first.
Like with Bible studies, I start off devotional time gung-ho but it never fails that time becomes less and less often and eventually, not at all. I'm hungry and thirsty but I'm not eating and drinking up what He's offering. Why do I starve myself? It reflects in a poor attitude, shorter temper, thinking less before I speak; I pray for Him to help me with it but I usually try to do it myself instead of taking the help that I'm seeking and being offered. As a Christian, I need to be living like Christ daily and when I don't, it reflects poorly on Him. As a Pastor's wife, not fulfulling the duties that come with that role reflects poorly on my husband. As a Mommy, my lacking spritual walk will filter down to him (and I absolutely don't want that to happen), as well as affect my parenting choices.
The harder I try to do something on my own, the more I fail and the more I feel disappointed in myself. I can't get through to my stubborn self that I will always fail when I look to myself. If I look inward, it negatively reflects outwardly and I fall downward. If I look upward, it positively affects me inwardly which reflects outwardly. Whichever way I choose to look, it will impact my character, whether for the better or for the worse. It's up to me which way I choose to look.
As of yesterday, a close friend and I chose to pray for each other in specific needs and struggles and to be accountable to each other. With expanding our relationship in this manner has come certain openness and vulnerability. But that's to be expected; our honesty and openness allows us to lift each other up in prayer more specifically. Sure, I pray about these things myself but I take comfort in knowing that she is lifting up in prayer these very same things on my behalf, as I will for her. Matthew 18:19-20 comes to mind: "'When two of you get together on anything at all on earth and make a prayer of it, my Father in heaven goes into action. And when two or three of you are together because of me, you can be sure that I'll be there.'" (The Message). While we physically are in two different places, are hearts are in the same place. I pray that this will strengthen our respective spiritual walks with the Lord as well as our earthly friendship.
I need to remember to take things one day at a time, set small goals at first. My personal experience with setting huge goals for myself and a lot of them at once is that I will almost always fail in my intentions. I need to start small and build my way up. It will be a long, slow journey but one that is worth taking in order to grow closer to my Savior.
Like with Bible studies, I start off devotional time gung-ho but it never fails that time becomes less and less often and eventually, not at all. I'm hungry and thirsty but I'm not eating and drinking up what He's offering. Why do I starve myself? It reflects in a poor attitude, shorter temper, thinking less before I speak; I pray for Him to help me with it but I usually try to do it myself instead of taking the help that I'm seeking and being offered. As a Christian, I need to be living like Christ daily and when I don't, it reflects poorly on Him. As a Pastor's wife, not fulfulling the duties that come with that role reflects poorly on my husband. As a Mommy, my lacking spritual walk will filter down to him (and I absolutely don't want that to happen), as well as affect my parenting choices.
The harder I try to do something on my own, the more I fail and the more I feel disappointed in myself. I can't get through to my stubborn self that I will always fail when I look to myself. If I look inward, it negatively reflects outwardly and I fall downward. If I look upward, it positively affects me inwardly which reflects outwardly. Whichever way I choose to look, it will impact my character, whether for the better or for the worse. It's up to me which way I choose to look.
As of yesterday, a close friend and I chose to pray for each other in specific needs and struggles and to be accountable to each other. With expanding our relationship in this manner has come certain openness and vulnerability. But that's to be expected; our honesty and openness allows us to lift each other up in prayer more specifically. Sure, I pray about these things myself but I take comfort in knowing that she is lifting up in prayer these very same things on my behalf, as I will for her. Matthew 18:19-20 comes to mind: "'When two of you get together on anything at all on earth and make a prayer of it, my Father in heaven goes into action. And when two or three of you are together because of me, you can be sure that I'll be there.'" (The Message). While we physically are in two different places, are hearts are in the same place. I pray that this will strengthen our respective spiritual walks with the Lord as well as our earthly friendship.
I need to remember to take things one day at a time, set small goals at first. My personal experience with setting huge goals for myself and a lot of them at once is that I will almost always fail in my intentions. I need to start small and build my way up. It will be a long, slow journey but one that is worth taking in order to grow closer to my Savior.
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